if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.