Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.