Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”