THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
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In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Clients after you give them your rates
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.