The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I never needed anything more in my life
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.