I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
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Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?