Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Sex so good you see dead people.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”