Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
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“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
If looks could kill
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Finally, an explanation.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December