One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Guilty! 🤪
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.