my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Hello, my name is Pierre.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.