I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Looking at you, Jesus.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait