I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.