If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
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ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
c’mon!
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.