Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
How it started: How it’s going:
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.