I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
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I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
We have a winner.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
eggs benadryl
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw