December birthdays be like…
You Might Also Like
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
58.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Generation gap…
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not