when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Lol
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats