Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
podcasts
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions