8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.