Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda