Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated