Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
I have so many questions.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
wait.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.