Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.