The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.