Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Clients after you give them your rates
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope