We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
New favorite tiktok
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.