Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
You Might Also Like
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
plums roundup
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
lmao
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra