told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
buying dead houseplants to save time
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.