I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.