Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Bro what is this
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up