Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”