COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
You Might Also Like
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many