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If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I’m having an out of money experience.