Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
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Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Who’s your best friend?
Hamburger Hinderer.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van