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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills