I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
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The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.