I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
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Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Omg 🤣
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
this is 10/10 content no notes
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
i would wish you the best but i am the best