Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.