Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
You Might Also Like
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Storm Tropical Storm
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again