I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
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[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.