“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.