*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
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Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Looking at you, Jesus.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.