*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.