– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
You Might Also Like
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My work here is don’t.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.