when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30