Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
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The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Nooooooooo!!!
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Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.