Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
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Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
This meeting could have been a cake
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands