this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe