[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
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[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.