*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
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ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.